Well, this is one of those blog journal entries that I make not because I have really put a thought into it, but because I don't have anything better to do...I have been wondering about what to write for a while - I have contemplated writing about homesickness - a feeling that I had largely over-comed few years back. Somehow, it has come back to haunt me and take my peace away. I thought about writing on bachelorhood minus KFC, Subway and similar food items. That largely turned out to be empty. And then, all of a sudden, my mind started digressed to think about the topic of this post.
The philosophical me often urges me to think about discontent and dissatisfaction that people, including myself, experience. All of us have pages full of sporadic cribbing and cursing when we blame life for turning out the way it did. On most instances, I realized that this feeling of despise and misery is due to the gap between our own expectations and the actual outcomes. Everyone can relate to that. A student who expected a higher score might score less and feel down. An employee who expects a promotion towards the end of the year might feel dejected in case things don't turn out his/her way. A son who expected a gift X may get a gift Y (where perceived value of X by kid < perceived value of Y by kid), et cetera.
What I have observed is that the sheer habit of expecting never dies down. In fact, with every passing stage in life, we learn to expect even more - expectations from job, expectations from career, expectations from family, expectations from relationships...and so on...Now, I won't be prophetic by saying that one should never expect things - on the contrary, expectations has its own benefits. It pushes people to stretch themselves to levels they never thought were possible. It leads to creation of new benchmarks and milestones. It is like kaizen - continuous improvement. But there is a pitfall. Seldom do people are realistic when they define their expectations. Irrational expectations when not backed by the desired results lead to the creation of the gap which throws a lot of things out of gears. I, for one, have personally undergone several such instances where my ill-founded expectations have only met the face of the bitter truth of disappointment. Every single time after these events, I have vowed not to fell prey to the trap set for me. Yet every single time, I have failed to do with-hold myself from this fatal attraction. There are lessons that people learn...and then there are some that aren't just your cup of tea.
On the flip side, there is nothing better than surpassing your expectations. Things sometimes turn more glorious and magnificent that you thought they would. Such occasions give you the immense delight and pleasure which your heart fails to engross. You feel on top of the world. Aahh! The sweet smell of such intoxication!
Well, I just hope that all of us get to taste the sweeter side of things, especially when we really need it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Feign
Let me just put things in perspective before I go on with my yapping and cribbing again.
30th Mar 2011 – Probably one of the most anticipated days in the history of Indian Cricket – or rather one of the most anticipated days in the history of Indo-Pak relations – the cricket teams from across the borders are all set to battle each other in the Semi Final of the ICC World Cup 2011 – the stakes are, as have always been, higher than the menial outcome of who is the winner – after all, there is no parallel for pride for the country men of these two nations , especially the one that comes after defeating the other in a round of a cricket match.
The anticipation and excitement generated by this encounter to be has been nothing short of a tequila shot. Indians and Pakistanis alike are all dying to be inside the PCA stadium on 30th Mar ’11. The cricket fever has probably reached its climax and may in fact, be an orgasmic feeling for several cricket followers in both the countries. The Indian Government has already played its cards by inviting top dignitaries from our north western neighbors. The game is all set to be a showdown – all things that sell in the country – Bollywood, Cricket & Gossip – have already occupied centre stage. Top ambassadors from the Indian Film Industry to be there, all news channels, radio stations going gaga over the match, people flying in from all corners of the globe to watch who delivers the knockout punch…The city of Chandigarh has already been fortified owing to security threats, I believe there are more policemen than citizens at present. The hotels are FULL…those which aren’t full yet are demanding highly escalated prices for four walls on the eve…tickets are being openly black marketed. Student tickets which were modestly priced at Rs. 250/- have exchanged hands for 50 notes of the green smiling Gandhis….
Now, I don’t intend to be a spoilsport and disrupt anyone’s reason for enjoying the game…on the contrary, I am all for fun. But the only thing that has tripped my circuits is the sheer act of feigning. All the country is high on the adrenaline today, with nationalistic fervor and patriotism flowing in full glory through most Indian’s veins. And this is the cause of my numbness towards the match. The reason why I am comparing our (Indians) attitudes to the act of feigning is the dual standards that we often display. We are at our nationalistic best on 15th of Aug, 26th of Jan and on days of a Indo-Pak clash; and yet, for the balance 362 days in the year, we don’t give a damn where our nation is headed. We act as if we are isolated and secluded from the daily happenings that are affecting our country. We bribe our way to glory, we remain apathetic to the needs of the have-nots, we continue to be a discriminating nation, and we lack civic sense…all hard but true facts…people are shelling out 100 times the price of the ticket…the same people would not have ever donated a single penny out of generosity from their big fat wallets. People are demanding half day at work, as if it’s their birth right, yet these same people will not have ever spent half a minute of their lives to understand the poor and stricken.
My earnest request to all my fellow Indians is simple – please be patriotic in spirit, please stop feigning. And as for the 30th of Mar ’11 – may the best team win!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Rasmalai!!!
There are instances in everyone's life that his/her perspective on various matter goes around a 360 degree change. While he/she may be thinking at one end of a spectrum, there are others who look at this from an entirely different frame. This is a story of similar proportions that occured with me a couple of days back.
Sunday evening, I & my pal, Sunny, were just spending the time we usually do - lot of gaming, wasting time at CCD and just hustling one from end of market to the other. Sunny's usual titillating comments are always a pleasure to listen to...and add to it a discussion on the Global economy - you have a head stirring cocktail!! While we were strolling down the market, we came a book seller and I happened to stop just to browse through some books. Not that I am an avid reader (I prefer to write :) ), I happen to come across a novel titled "I too had a love story". For some unexplained reason, I decided to buy it for a read. Probably it was Sunny's make believe depression from his make beleive break up from his girlfriend that was playing on my head. But I bought the book.
Tuesday midnight, I was not particularly occupied with any work. And sleep was not anywhere close to my eyes. So, there I picked up this novel and started reading it...though the book is itself a magnificient piece to read , I was left with a heavy heart after a strenous 213 page readout. I knew that it would be a heart breaking ending. After all, the title mentioned "A heartbreaking true love tale" with the author dedicating the book to the girl he loved but couldn't marry. But, after three hours of reading the novel from its front to end, I some how felt like crying...and i mean literally, crying. The book was a fanstastic read taking the reader from a range of emotions - from initial excitment to the ultimate tragedy, but I couldn't sleep that night.
Wednesday morning, I could barely manage to drag myself to work, trying to wash away the dampness from last night's emotions. Anyhow, I made it to work, albeit late! Hours passed as I tried to concentrate on my work ambling through it. Soon, it was lunch. Sunny & I have this usual habit of going out for a sweet snack after our lunch...its not inspired by our love for sugar but by the fact that our office premise is an area which is a hub for a lot of eye candy. We entered our usual shop - its called Gopals (i think its some relative of Nathu's from Delhi :P ). While we were deciding what to order, Sunny noticed, as he put it, a "hot & beautiful" girl sitting in the corner of the restaurant. Its very unusual for guys to use both adjectives while describing a girl, so you can understand how "hot & beautiful" she really was. As usual, I was late and Sunny called dibs on her! Knowing that I had lot the first shot at her, I made my way to the billing counter an ordered two Rasmalai's. As soon as the tiller gave me a receipt, Sunny came to me with a panicky look on his face and asked me to cancel the order. Bemused, I shrugged him off asking him what the fuck was that all about. He, then literally, dragged me outside Gopal's. Fuming, I looked at his quizically...and I got the answers to my questions when I saw that girl making her way out of the restaurant with a friend of hers.
What happened next is something I promised I had not done ever in my life. We followed her like stalkers for about 10 minutes as she criss crossed through the entire complex. The entire situation felt so alien and funny to me. In fact I felt so ridiculous trying to haunt a female in such a manner. But the cherubic joy of doing things like this for the first time kept egging me on. Soon we realized that it was becoming a sort of an ordeal. If this wasn't enough, what Sunny asked me to do what even crazier. He asked me to follow both of them on my own as Sunny ran to the parking lot to fetch his car. It appeared to me that he was very experienced in such escapades and he had anticipated that we were in for a long ride that day. I did as he asked me to, relaying information to him as he sped and arrived at the junction of the traffic nights. Meanwhile, our herione here was on her way in a rickshaw, still accompanied by her friend. We followed her pacing like snails behind the rickshaw, occasionally passing her and then halting for her to pass - only so that Sunny could get to see her over and over again (I don't know why but Sunny felt high every time we did that). After 15 minutes of this play of shadows, she got down, probably somewhere close to her house (which now in hindsight was lightyears away from where we had started following her). Sunny was in a fix - asking me strange questions like what he ought to do next - whether he should go and try speaking to her or not, etc. etc...He looked at me and asked me for my advice!!! Fuck! Well, my head was telling me to ask Sunny to let go while my heart really wanted him to go for her...I did what my heart told me...and off he went. He walked briskly behind her to catch her but was slightly late as she entered her PG (we suppose). Sunny came back disappointed although the satisfaction of knowing where she resided was apparent on his face.
Sunny is not one of those guys who lets go of thing so easily. How could this occasion be any different? He quickly got back into the car. For once, I breathed a sigh of relief thinking that we were finally on our way back to office (as I was getting frantic calls from work). But that wasn't the case. He steered the car right towards her house and I was startled - when I asked him what he was upto, he said that he wanted to give it one more try. As we entered the lane where her PG was located, she was there again walking down towards us with her same friend. Fate too, it appeared, has a funny bone! We recommenced on our earlier unsuccessful tryst. Few blocks down, she entered another house. I was delighted thinking that all this stupidity was going to end...but I was too early to jump onto the conclusion. For the next 30 minutes, we just kept roaming round and round her place at 10kmph in Sunny's car - this is what Sunny later explained to me was the Chandigarh "Gerhi"!!! Guy's way of checking out girls and how even girls enjoyed that in the city beautiful. In my 3rd year in Chandigarh, I had finally learned and experienced the way of youth over here! After some desperate waiting, Sunny called another friend of ours for some "advise". And we all know that friends are so good at giving those....so it was decided. We would wait until she came out and Sunny would go and "try" speaking to her...in fact he even rehearsed for it...when he was rehearsing, I could not control laughter as the entire scheme of things was so funny. Nevertheless, out she came!
Tired of waiting, I kicked Sunny out of his own car and told him to go and speak to her (so that, as per my anticipation, after she had slapped some sense into him, both of us could head back to work). He then followed her...and out of desperation, tried to make some conversation with her...which as narrated by him later went as:
Sunny: Hi! Can I speak to you for 5 minutes?
She: No!
Sunny: Only 5 mins, please!
She: Noooooooooo!!! I don't want to talk to you!
Sunny: please...just 5 mins...5 minute mein kya jayeaga
She: Nahi na! (to her friend: yeh kya kar raha hai yaar)
Sunny: (giving up) Chalo, koi nahi!
And then he came back and sat next to me...I decided to drive on our way back...(thinking that he wouldn't be in the right frame of mind after this chit chat!!!). I thought that he would be really disappointed, but to my surprise, he was in high spirits. For a minute, he was so delighted as if he had won an Olympic gold! For reasons best known to him, he vowed that one way or the other, he would convince this girl!!! I was amused by the confidence in his voice and told him that I shall wait for the day it happens - and promised him to gift him an entire box of - you know what - Rasmalai's - when that day comes!
Now, as I am emptying my pockets, I found that unavailed reciept of Gopal's. And this entire story came back rushing to my head...more so how the dismay of reading that book and experiencing the author's pain vicariously was so easily transformed into a great joy and an indelible experience of my life.
Aah!!! Rasmalai's, I tell you!
Sunday evening, I & my pal, Sunny, were just spending the time we usually do - lot of gaming, wasting time at CCD and just hustling one from end of market to the other. Sunny's usual titillating comments are always a pleasure to listen to...and add to it a discussion on the Global economy - you have a head stirring cocktail!! While we were strolling down the market, we came a book seller and I happened to stop just to browse through some books. Not that I am an avid reader (I prefer to write :) ), I happen to come across a novel titled "I too had a love story". For some unexplained reason, I decided to buy it for a read. Probably it was Sunny's make believe depression from his make beleive break up from his girlfriend that was playing on my head. But I bought the book.
Tuesday midnight, I was not particularly occupied with any work. And sleep was not anywhere close to my eyes. So, there I picked up this novel and started reading it...though the book is itself a magnificient piece to read , I was left with a heavy heart after a strenous 213 page readout. I knew that it would be a heart breaking ending. After all, the title mentioned "A heartbreaking true love tale" with the author dedicating the book to the girl he loved but couldn't marry. But, after three hours of reading the novel from its front to end, I some how felt like crying...and i mean literally, crying. The book was a fanstastic read taking the reader from a range of emotions - from initial excitment to the ultimate tragedy, but I couldn't sleep that night.
Wednesday morning, I could barely manage to drag myself to work, trying to wash away the dampness from last night's emotions. Anyhow, I made it to work, albeit late! Hours passed as I tried to concentrate on my work ambling through it. Soon, it was lunch. Sunny & I have this usual habit of going out for a sweet snack after our lunch...its not inspired by our love for sugar but by the fact that our office premise is an area which is a hub for a lot of eye candy. We entered our usual shop - its called Gopals (i think its some relative of Nathu's from Delhi :P ). While we were deciding what to order, Sunny noticed, as he put it, a "hot & beautiful" girl sitting in the corner of the restaurant. Its very unusual for guys to use both adjectives while describing a girl, so you can understand how "hot & beautiful" she really was. As usual, I was late and Sunny called dibs on her! Knowing that I had lot the first shot at her, I made my way to the billing counter an ordered two Rasmalai's. As soon as the tiller gave me a receipt, Sunny came to me with a panicky look on his face and asked me to cancel the order. Bemused, I shrugged him off asking him what the fuck was that all about. He, then literally, dragged me outside Gopal's. Fuming, I looked at his quizically...and I got the answers to my questions when I saw that girl making her way out of the restaurant with a friend of hers.
What happened next is something I promised I had not done ever in my life. We followed her like stalkers for about 10 minutes as she criss crossed through the entire complex. The entire situation felt so alien and funny to me. In fact I felt so ridiculous trying to haunt a female in such a manner. But the cherubic joy of doing things like this for the first time kept egging me on. Soon we realized that it was becoming a sort of an ordeal. If this wasn't enough, what Sunny asked me to do what even crazier. He asked me to follow both of them on my own as Sunny ran to the parking lot to fetch his car. It appeared to me that he was very experienced in such escapades and he had anticipated that we were in for a long ride that day. I did as he asked me to, relaying information to him as he sped and arrived at the junction of the traffic nights. Meanwhile, our herione here was on her way in a rickshaw, still accompanied by her friend. We followed her pacing like snails behind the rickshaw, occasionally passing her and then halting for her to pass - only so that Sunny could get to see her over and over again (I don't know why but Sunny felt high every time we did that). After 15 minutes of this play of shadows, she got down, probably somewhere close to her house (which now in hindsight was lightyears away from where we had started following her). Sunny was in a fix - asking me strange questions like what he ought to do next - whether he should go and try speaking to her or not, etc. etc...He looked at me and asked me for my advice!!! Fuck! Well, my head was telling me to ask Sunny to let go while my heart really wanted him to go for her...I did what my heart told me...and off he went. He walked briskly behind her to catch her but was slightly late as she entered her PG (we suppose). Sunny came back disappointed although the satisfaction of knowing where she resided was apparent on his face.
Sunny is not one of those guys who lets go of thing so easily. How could this occasion be any different? He quickly got back into the car. For once, I breathed a sigh of relief thinking that we were finally on our way back to office (as I was getting frantic calls from work). But that wasn't the case. He steered the car right towards her house and I was startled - when I asked him what he was upto, he said that he wanted to give it one more try. As we entered the lane where her PG was located, she was there again walking down towards us with her same friend. Fate too, it appeared, has a funny bone! We recommenced on our earlier unsuccessful tryst. Few blocks down, she entered another house. I was delighted thinking that all this stupidity was going to end...but I was too early to jump onto the conclusion. For the next 30 minutes, we just kept roaming round and round her place at 10kmph in Sunny's car - this is what Sunny later explained to me was the Chandigarh "Gerhi"!!! Guy's way of checking out girls and how even girls enjoyed that in the city beautiful. In my 3rd year in Chandigarh, I had finally learned and experienced the way of youth over here! After some desperate waiting, Sunny called another friend of ours for some "advise". And we all know that friends are so good at giving those....so it was decided. We would wait until she came out and Sunny would go and "try" speaking to her...in fact he even rehearsed for it...when he was rehearsing, I could not control laughter as the entire scheme of things was so funny. Nevertheless, out she came!
Tired of waiting, I kicked Sunny out of his own car and told him to go and speak to her (so that, as per my anticipation, after she had slapped some sense into him, both of us could head back to work). He then followed her...and out of desperation, tried to make some conversation with her...which as narrated by him later went as:
Sunny: Hi! Can I speak to you for 5 minutes?
She: No!
Sunny: Only 5 mins, please!
She: Noooooooooo!!! I don't want to talk to you!
Sunny: please...just 5 mins...5 minute mein kya jayeaga
She: Nahi na! (to her friend: yeh kya kar raha hai yaar)
Sunny: (giving up) Chalo, koi nahi!
And then he came back and sat next to me...I decided to drive on our way back...(thinking that he wouldn't be in the right frame of mind after this chit chat!!!). I thought that he would be really disappointed, but to my surprise, he was in high spirits. For a minute, he was so delighted as if he had won an Olympic gold! For reasons best known to him, he vowed that one way or the other, he would convince this girl!!! I was amused by the confidence in his voice and told him that I shall wait for the day it happens - and promised him to gift him an entire box of - you know what - Rasmalai's - when that day comes!
Now, as I am emptying my pockets, I found that unavailed reciept of Gopal's. And this entire story came back rushing to my head...more so how the dismay of reading that book and experiencing the author's pain vicariously was so easily transformed into a great joy and an indelible experience of my life.
Aah!!! Rasmalai's, I tell you!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A new beginning!
Not many people have the opportunity to decide what they want the world to remember them as...their sole remembrance - their obituaries are often crafted by eloquent writers who have no semblance of who the person in question is...this strange thought struck my head early morning - perhaps because since dawn, my phone has been buzzing and ringing today - friends and relatives, near and dear ones, from here and there, some known and some unknown - every body has been kind and warm enough to make my birthday special today. To all those who remembered, thank you so much - I am overwhelmed by your generosity. To all those who forgot - :)
I always remembered how eagerly I used to wait for my b'day - a day when you would go to school in fancy clothing - probably to indicate that you were the b'day boy/girl; distribute chocolates to your friends in class, come back home and get tons of gifts from your folks, have a party in the evening - it was an altogether different rush!
Apparently, I have turned 25 today (my folks tell me that and I take their word for it)...
The first thought was the song "18 till I die" playing in my head...come to think of it - I would not mind being 18 forever - but the inevitable process of aging takes over.
Most people reactions while wishing me was - "where's d party?".
Non-chalantly i replied to every one - "Wherever you wish"
This was often met by the remarks which labored around the point that your birthday is supposed to be a special day (and somehow it was related to the point that I ought to go out and party). Somehow, for me, this is like any other day - probably the fact that I tend to enjoy most days in my life make the "specialness", less special... :)
In ways more than words can convey, there are two things that have made my day special today.
Firstly, the sheer delight across my mom's face to see me grow so big (awww); my folks feelings (especially dad - as he sits across miles away and watches me cut the cake through the web - thank you yahoo!). There is nothing more rejuvanating and energizing than being in company of people who really care for you.
Secondly, the fact that I died today (no, no, its not that dramatic - in a literal sense).
Its like a layer of your persona has been shed to reveal another.
I feel like a new person altogether - ready to explore the world all over again.
This faintly reminded me of the four chakras in Hinduism or the seven stages of life as so elegantly penned down by Shakespeare.
But frankly speaking, I feel enthused by the things that await me...with a li'l apprehension and with a lot of spirit of adventure and discovery.
Only time will tell. Probably, the next 25 years.
- Shobhit Agrawal
7/12/2010
(turned 25 today)
P.S.: I thank whatever gods may be!
I always remembered how eagerly I used to wait for my b'day - a day when you would go to school in fancy clothing - probably to indicate that you were the b'day boy/girl; distribute chocolates to your friends in class, come back home and get tons of gifts from your folks, have a party in the evening - it was an altogether different rush!
Apparently, I have turned 25 today (my folks tell me that and I take their word for it)...
The first thought was the song "18 till I die" playing in my head...come to think of it - I would not mind being 18 forever - but the inevitable process of aging takes over.
Most people reactions while wishing me was - "where's d party?".
Non-chalantly i replied to every one - "Wherever you wish"
This was often met by the remarks which labored around the point that your birthday is supposed to be a special day (and somehow it was related to the point that I ought to go out and party). Somehow, for me, this is like any other day - probably the fact that I tend to enjoy most days in my life make the "specialness", less special... :)
In ways more than words can convey, there are two things that have made my day special today.
Firstly, the sheer delight across my mom's face to see me grow so big (awww); my folks feelings (especially dad - as he sits across miles away and watches me cut the cake through the web - thank you yahoo!). There is nothing more rejuvanating and energizing than being in company of people who really care for you.
Secondly, the fact that I died today (no, no, its not that dramatic - in a literal sense).
Its like a layer of your persona has been shed to reveal another.
I feel like a new person altogether - ready to explore the world all over again.
This faintly reminded me of the four chakras in Hinduism or the seven stages of life as so elegantly penned down by Shakespeare.
But frankly speaking, I feel enthused by the things that await me...with a li'l apprehension and with a lot of spirit of adventure and discovery.
Only time will tell. Probably, the next 25 years.
- Shobhit Agrawal
7/12/2010
(turned 25 today)
P.S.: I thank whatever gods may be!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
We - the People!!!
"At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new…India discovers herself again."
- Jawaharlal Nehru
(on Indian Independence Day, 1947)
Exactly 63 years ago, India had been emancipated from the 200 year old British rule. Thousands of hearts had rejoiced this new found freedom and the tricolor was hoisted lighting up candles of new hopes in the denizens of the world's largest democracy.
As I passed the Delhi Secretariat building aboard the Metro, I noticed that it was not the useful itself. Decorated and lit up, it was an astonishing sight over the Yamuna and the dark cloudy Delhi sky. Immediately, the thought of "whats so special today" sparked in my head and it only took a few neurons to figure that it was the eve of our Independence day. Ever since, I have been thinking hard and deep about what this day means for us - or rather what it was supposed to mean for us (pardon me in case I sound sarcastic - I have every intention of being so). Over the last couple of hours, I have troubled myself with the idea of what this Independence was intended to be by the martyrs and possibly, what it has turned out to be.
Honestly and sincerely speaking, I don't have a clue what the Mahatma and other saviors of our nation had envisaged the country to be after these many years. In every sense of imagination, I am incapable of knowing whether they would be satisfied with where India has been able to arrive at after this relatively decent stint of freedom. But what I do know is that we are an 'Independent' nation in one sense of the word and still a dependent one in many others. What I just said and what I am going to say next may appear to be cynical and very unpatriotic to you (I am sorry. No hard feelings. Some one's got to say the truth!!!).
We, the citizens of this potentially great nation, have strived very hard over the last several years to establish an identity of our own and of our country - well done!
At the same time, I can't help conjuring the fact that we could have been miles ahead in our journey.
I am going to play devil for a while (if I am not one already) and think of some of the reasons why I think we haven't done justice to our freedom and not taken India to greater heights.
1) Our priorities:
Truth be said, the priority order of an average Indian works in the following sequence
He/She (Self/Money/Career) --> Family --> State --> Country
Now I have absolutely no issue with your priorites. After all, each one of us has the right to pursue our dreams and ambitions. But the point that I want to make is that we are not a nationalistic population.
There are only 3 occassions in the entire calendar year when we really feel patriotic - 26th January, 15th of August and the day of a India-Pakistan cricket match. Ounces and ounces of blood oozes through every vein in your body for some moments on these days (though most of us still remember the first two days only as holidays more than anything). For the balance 362 days, we are a totally uninterested group of people thinking we are isolated from the country.
Rarely do we put the need of the country before our own...yet we feign patriotic fervor whenever our north-western neigbours are mentioned.
Hell, not even half of us turn to vote!
This is a point of great concern. A country as diverse as our own cannot progress until all of us move towards a common goal. We can no longer remain apathetic towards what is happening in other parts of the country. We need to be a more sensitive nation - towards our own problems at least and look for appropriate solutions.
Another relevant example would be the feeling of regionalism - we have not been able to overcome the petty differences of localism, religion, education, etc. and work together as a nation.
2) Our attitudes
Terms like insensitive and indifferent are too generous for us. We have somehow learnt to take our hard earned freedom for granted. Thats evident around us - in every sphere.
The following exemplify what I mean:
a) Rules are meant to be broken- "There is only 1 occassion when we stand in queues - the Rajiv Chowk Metro station - that too is contingent on the presence of a guard". You know what I mean - jumping lights, breaking traffic rules, the list is endless - so lets not get into it.
b) Civic sense - "my litter is not my problem - if its yours, clean it up". We blame the authorities for poor civic conditions, yet leave no opportunity to dirty it ourselves. We are not used to taking the pain of cleaning our own junk - throwing litter, plastic, etc. anywhere and everywhere, no etiquettes, no sense of responsibility towards elderly (pardon me ladies, but until you are 60 or physically challenged, you can also vacate your seats for the elderly, and I promise to continue offering you my seat), the lecherous male gender....phew...
c) Taking the easy way out - "each one of us is connected to the big shot in the area". We make mistakes and we don't accept them. Rather we justify them...if that doesn't work, we try to bribe our way out...and if that doesn't work...we take out our swanky phones to make a call to one of our connections...trust me...everyone's got one!
d) "Chalta hai" - we are so used to taking things the way they have been that we don't care a heck for what happens. Some of us are a fatalist lot who think that nothing ever is gonna happen in the country and that it will go to the dogs. I wonder if Gandhi ever thought that way.
e) Lack of foresightedness - we live in the present...thats ok...but with no regard to the future - all of us are only concerned about what you get...not a bit about what we are leaving behind for the next generation - we waste precious resources - water, electricity, fuel and yet we don't cease from complaining. If we don't mend our ways now, I am sure our kids will be cursing us one day.
If one starts to think about the wrongs that we have, we will possibly end up writing for several more days. But thats not what I want to leave behind.
Most of 1299,999,999 citizens of India are waiting for the miracle to happen when something dramatic is going to happen and we will be metamorphosed in to the superpower of the world. Trust me, such things happen only in Enid Blyton's works.
Its time that we get up and make the change happen by being that change.
Until that time, I think we still need to break from the shackles and fight for our freedom, again, this time in a different sense.
Vande Mataram!!!
Exactly 63 years ago, India had been emancipated from the 200 year old British rule. Thousands of hearts had rejoiced this new found freedom and the tricolor was hoisted lighting up candles of new hopes in the denizens of the world's largest democracy.
As I passed the Delhi Secretariat building aboard the Metro, I noticed that it was not the useful itself. Decorated and lit up, it was an astonishing sight over the Yamuna and the dark cloudy Delhi sky. Immediately, the thought of "whats so special today" sparked in my head and it only took a few neurons to figure that it was the eve of our Independence day. Ever since, I have been thinking hard and deep about what this day means for us - or rather what it was supposed to mean for us (pardon me in case I sound sarcastic - I have every intention of being so). Over the last couple of hours, I have troubled myself with the idea of what this Independence was intended to be by the martyrs and possibly, what it has turned out to be.
Honestly and sincerely speaking, I don't have a clue what the Mahatma and other saviors of our nation had envisaged the country to be after these many years. In every sense of imagination, I am incapable of knowing whether they would be satisfied with where India has been able to arrive at after this relatively decent stint of freedom. But what I do know is that we are an 'Independent' nation in one sense of the word and still a dependent one in many others. What I just said and what I am going to say next may appear to be cynical and very unpatriotic to you (I am sorry. No hard feelings. Some one's got to say the truth!!!).
We, the citizens of this potentially great nation, have strived very hard over the last several years to establish an identity of our own and of our country - well done!
At the same time, I can't help conjuring the fact that we could have been miles ahead in our journey.
I am going to play devil for a while (if I am not one already) and think of some of the reasons why I think we haven't done justice to our freedom and not taken India to greater heights.
1) Our priorities:
Truth be said, the priority order of an average Indian works in the following sequence
He/She (Self/Money/Career) --> Family --> State --> Country
Now I have absolutely no issue with your priorites. After all, each one of us has the right to pursue our dreams and ambitions. But the point that I want to make is that we are not a nationalistic population.
There are only 3 occassions in the entire calendar year when we really feel patriotic - 26th January, 15th of August and the day of a India-Pakistan cricket match. Ounces and ounces of blood oozes through every vein in your body for some moments on these days (though most of us still remember the first two days only as holidays more than anything). For the balance 362 days, we are a totally uninterested group of people thinking we are isolated from the country.
Rarely do we put the need of the country before our own...yet we feign patriotic fervor whenever our north-western neigbours are mentioned.
Hell, not even half of us turn to vote!
This is a point of great concern. A country as diverse as our own cannot progress until all of us move towards a common goal. We can no longer remain apathetic towards what is happening in other parts of the country. We need to be a more sensitive nation - towards our own problems at least and look for appropriate solutions.
Another relevant example would be the feeling of regionalism - we have not been able to overcome the petty differences of localism, religion, education, etc. and work together as a nation.
2) Our attitudes
Terms like insensitive and indifferent are too generous for us. We have somehow learnt to take our hard earned freedom for granted. Thats evident around us - in every sphere.
The following exemplify what I mean:
a) Rules are meant to be broken- "There is only 1 occassion when we stand in queues - the Rajiv Chowk Metro station - that too is contingent on the presence of a guard". You know what I mean - jumping lights, breaking traffic rules, the list is endless - so lets not get into it.
b) Civic sense - "my litter is not my problem - if its yours, clean it up". We blame the authorities for poor civic conditions, yet leave no opportunity to dirty it ourselves. We are not used to taking the pain of cleaning our own junk - throwing litter, plastic, etc. anywhere and everywhere, no etiquettes, no sense of responsibility towards elderly (pardon me ladies, but until you are 60 or physically challenged, you can also vacate your seats for the elderly, and I promise to continue offering you my seat), the lecherous male gender....phew...
c) Taking the easy way out - "each one of us is connected to the big shot in the area". We make mistakes and we don't accept them. Rather we justify them...if that doesn't work, we try to bribe our way out...and if that doesn't work...we take out our swanky phones to make a call to one of our connections...trust me...everyone's got one!
d) "Chalta hai" - we are so used to taking things the way they have been that we don't care a heck for what happens. Some of us are a fatalist lot who think that nothing ever is gonna happen in the country and that it will go to the dogs. I wonder if Gandhi ever thought that way.
e) Lack of foresightedness - we live in the present...thats ok...but with no regard to the future - all of us are only concerned about what you get...not a bit about what we are leaving behind for the next generation - we waste precious resources - water, electricity, fuel and yet we don't cease from complaining. If we don't mend our ways now, I am sure our kids will be cursing us one day.
If one starts to think about the wrongs that we have, we will possibly end up writing for several more days. But thats not what I want to leave behind.
Most of 1299,999,999 citizens of India are waiting for the miracle to happen when something dramatic is going to happen and we will be metamorphosed in to the superpower of the world. Trust me, such things happen only in Enid Blyton's works.
Its time that we get up and make the change happen by being that change.
Until that time, I think we still need to break from the shackles and fight for our freedom, again, this time in a different sense.
Vande Mataram!!!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Drunken thoughts - 1
I am writing to you after a long time...not that I have forgotten you but I have been preoccupied with a lot of other stuff that life as a human has to offer...
I have thought of publishing my next post on 15th Aug '10 since the motif of independence day had generated several new thoughts and introspection inside me. But nevertheless, the most comprehensible reason I could think of as to why I am writing again is probably the Black Label...I have had a great evening with a couple of friends...one a present colleague...sort of brother in arms and the other...an ex-colleague...more of a mentor...but I was more than fulfilled with the discussions that have entailed in the last 3 hours...
I can probably go on and on about the several revering thoughts arising in my head...the debate about the prosperity in India...the outlook for the Indian economy (more for the automobile industry)....the strategies of the big biz houses...etc...and yes...not to forget the wide dark empty roads of Chandigarh offering you zero visibility, along with the big humming of the Enfield...and that feeling of a free bird after you have had too much liquor...there is no end...In between there are the usual hot topics...life without a facebook account...vagaries of un-understandable lovers...blasphemy...etc...
My chain of thoughts may appear as erratic as the bubbles in a bottle of soda...but nevertheless its worthwhile punching some keys on your board...I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open...the whisky is having its effect...and the bus ain't gonna be waiting for me in the morning...but then there is always time for things you want to do...
I have thought of publishing my next post on 15th Aug '10 since the motif of independence day had generated several new thoughts and introspection inside me. But nevertheless, the most comprehensible reason I could think of as to why I am writing again is probably the Black Label...I have had a great evening with a couple of friends...one a present colleague...sort of brother in arms and the other...an ex-colleague...more of a mentor...but I was more than fulfilled with the discussions that have entailed in the last 3 hours...
I can probably go on and on about the several revering thoughts arising in my head...the debate about the prosperity in India...the outlook for the Indian economy (more for the automobile industry)....the strategies of the big biz houses...etc...and yes...not to forget the wide dark empty roads of Chandigarh offering you zero visibility, along with the big humming of the Enfield...and that feeling of a free bird after you have had too much liquor...there is no end...In between there are the usual hot topics...life without a facebook account...vagaries of un-understandable lovers...blasphemy...etc...
My chain of thoughts may appear as erratic as the bubbles in a bottle of soda...but nevertheless its worthwhile punching some keys on your board...I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open...the whisky is having its effect...and the bus ain't gonna be waiting for me in the morning...but then there is always time for things you want to do...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Of Divisions and Unisons
In the dead of night with no traces of civilization for a few kilometers, caught on an inundated national highway of sorts, the three of us summoned all our might as we tried to push the two ton monster over the stones with could remind you of the Grand Canyon. Already soaked up to the knees in the icy waters of Indus, I could barely feel my toes. After ten minutes of intense struggle, the rear wheel slipped and hurled what looked like a football at my shin. The strike sent electric currents to my brain reminding of a pain that was reminiscent of a lumber puncture. I ambled towards the car, eager to get in but realized that I had underestimated the blow. The magnificence of red pouring down the leg, I immediately tried to blot the entire wound with all that I could find around me.
After what seemed like ages, we reached Drass and I was on a lookout for anything that had a red cross over its face. Knowing that we had not booked our accommodation for the night and that we were running couple of hours late than we ought to, finding a hotel was our top priority. The first illumination across the windshield of the car made us heave a sigh of relief. My friends went inside that hotel and inquired about the availability. Disappointed with the quality of what they saw I believe, we decided to look for something more inhabitable. I asked them to stay back and look for it while I felt the exigency of getting the blood staunched. Overhearing our conversation, Salim jumped into the scene.
While any total stranger will leave you at your own mercy to find a way to the hospital, Salim did not hesitate even once as he got into the car and instructed the driver authoritatively to follow the directions he told him. Within no time, we gatecrashed the government hospital and Salim rushed to find the doctor on duty. A thin white man with the typical look of a kashmiri, very similar to what you would have seen on your TV set, he barely resembled a doctor, let alone be one. It seemed that Salim knew him well. I could make it out from the way they were talking in their kashmiri dialect. Salim finally managed to convince the doctor to treat me and the doctor asked me to walk a few metres to the emergency cabin.
On the short 2 minute walk, the doctor bombarded me questions that one has faced several times in their lives...the pain was so excruciating that I couldn't process anything and he realized that. After summoning the nurse on duty, both the medics examined my wound, discussed something amongst them and decided to stitch it...As she put the needle through my already torn flesh, I could not help grimace in pain and shrieked. All along, Salim had been watching me and he came over. He put his palms over my eyes so that I didn't see what was going on. I don't know why I felt comforted by the fact that he was present there and that I was not all alone amongst a group of strangers. After the gory mess was taken care of, I was feeling unconscious and they decided to give me a drip full of glucose. Meant was intra-venal intake, I didn't even think once and started gulping on the bottle orally as I continued to lay on the emergency table.
After all things were taken care of, it was time for the formalities. The doctor and the nurse enquired me about my name. That I told them and quizzically they asked me for my full name. I replied to their question and they appeared perplexed. I could make it from their faces that they realized that I had a Hindu name. They asked me for my father's name. And yet their faces remained white. I noticed a nervous smile across Salim's face. Ignoring the tenseness of the situation, he helped me off the bed and I hopped my way to the car.
After we reached our original drop off place (where I had met Salim near the hotel), I found my friends waiting there for me. It was apparent that they had found a suitable accommodation for the night. Salim got off the car and headed into the hotel. It was there that we realized that he owned the hotel we had inquired about earlier and decided not to stay in.
Before he made his way into the hotel, he asked me whether I needed anything else - food, water, anything. Thanking him, I refused his help and told him that he had already done enough for me. Just before we bid our goodbyes, I asked him his name - for one I needed to relate a name to the face that had been my savior. "Salim" is what he told me. "Shukriya Salim" is all I could tell him before we got going.
I ate my medicine and could feel the sedative taking over.
A strange thought ignited in my head.
The befuddled faces of the hospital staff that were taken aback by my name and more so by my religion. And then the ever so caring smile of Salim, who a moment ago was just another stranger. I closed my eyes thinking that for some, while your name and religion is a division, for others still, there is only a unison called humanity.
Peace.
After what seemed like ages, we reached Drass and I was on a lookout for anything that had a red cross over its face. Knowing that we had not booked our accommodation for the night and that we were running couple of hours late than we ought to, finding a hotel was our top priority. The first illumination across the windshield of the car made us heave a sigh of relief. My friends went inside that hotel and inquired about the availability. Disappointed with the quality of what they saw I believe, we decided to look for something more inhabitable. I asked them to stay back and look for it while I felt the exigency of getting the blood staunched. Overhearing our conversation, Salim jumped into the scene.
While any total stranger will leave you at your own mercy to find a way to the hospital, Salim did not hesitate even once as he got into the car and instructed the driver authoritatively to follow the directions he told him. Within no time, we gatecrashed the government hospital and Salim rushed to find the doctor on duty. A thin white man with the typical look of a kashmiri, very similar to what you would have seen on your TV set, he barely resembled a doctor, let alone be one. It seemed that Salim knew him well. I could make it out from the way they were talking in their kashmiri dialect. Salim finally managed to convince the doctor to treat me and the doctor asked me to walk a few metres to the emergency cabin.
On the short 2 minute walk, the doctor bombarded me questions that one has faced several times in their lives...the pain was so excruciating that I couldn't process anything and he realized that. After summoning the nurse on duty, both the medics examined my wound, discussed something amongst them and decided to stitch it...As she put the needle through my already torn flesh, I could not help grimace in pain and shrieked. All along, Salim had been watching me and he came over. He put his palms over my eyes so that I didn't see what was going on. I don't know why I felt comforted by the fact that he was present there and that I was not all alone amongst a group of strangers. After the gory mess was taken care of, I was feeling unconscious and they decided to give me a drip full of glucose. Meant was intra-venal intake, I didn't even think once and started gulping on the bottle orally as I continued to lay on the emergency table.
After all things were taken care of, it was time for the formalities. The doctor and the nurse enquired me about my name. That I told them and quizzically they asked me for my full name. I replied to their question and they appeared perplexed. I could make it from their faces that they realized that I had a Hindu name. They asked me for my father's name. And yet their faces remained white. I noticed a nervous smile across Salim's face. Ignoring the tenseness of the situation, he helped me off the bed and I hopped my way to the car.
After we reached our original drop off place (where I had met Salim near the hotel), I found my friends waiting there for me. It was apparent that they had found a suitable accommodation for the night. Salim got off the car and headed into the hotel. It was there that we realized that he owned the hotel we had inquired about earlier and decided not to stay in.
Before he made his way into the hotel, he asked me whether I needed anything else - food, water, anything. Thanking him, I refused his help and told him that he had already done enough for me. Just before we bid our goodbyes, I asked him his name - for one I needed to relate a name to the face that had been my savior. "Salim" is what he told me. "Shukriya Salim" is all I could tell him before we got going.
I ate my medicine and could feel the sedative taking over.
A strange thought ignited in my head.
The befuddled faces of the hospital staff that were taken aback by my name and more so by my religion. And then the ever so caring smile of Salim, who a moment ago was just another stranger. I closed my eyes thinking that for some, while your name and religion is a division, for others still, there is only a unison called humanity.
Peace.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I wish I could tell you how much I love you
I wish I could tell you how much I love you,
I love you so much...
If it was a day - it would be everyday,
If it was a place - it would be everywhere,
But if it was someone - it would be only you...
When I close my eyes, I see you...
When I open them, they long for you...
I feel you everywhere around me.
All I think about is you.
I am going crazy...this madness is too much to bear...and too much to hide
But I wish I could tell you how much I love you
When it comes to you, words fail me...
but I want you to know
I love you so much,
I love you so much...
I love you so much...
If it was a day - it would be everyday,
If it was a place - it would be everywhere,
But if it was someone - it would be only you...
When I close my eyes, I see you...
When I open them, they long for you...
I feel you everywhere around me.
All I think about is you.
I am going crazy...this madness is too much to bear...and too much to hide
But I wish I could tell you how much I love you
When it comes to you, words fail me...
but I want you to know
I love you so much,
I love you so much...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mr. NEO & Ms. Byrne v/s GOD & Destiny
Last week, I got an opportunity to attend one of those training sessions that you hope will dramatically turn your life around...its an arid habit of mine...I like attending sessions that don't leave you with something concrete...this way you can't be quizzed on it in the future ;)
Jokes apart, it had been a while since I had done any training...and I wasn't in a mood to participate in another functional lesson...so the choice was simple...something based on soft skills fitted the bill...CHANGING MINDSETS was the way to go...honestly speaking, I was more charged up by the fact that I was in Gurgaon after a while rather than being excited about changing my mindset!
Anyways, so there I was racing down from Noida to Signature towers at 7 in the morning...the location befuddled me but thankfully it wasn't a big deal to find it...hmm...45 mins too early for the session and I expected no one to be present...there she was sitting before anyone was there...
Social rituals dictated that we exchanged pleasantries...I introduced my self to her...and then she did the same...
The word "psychologist" has always had me running for the doors - imagine one with a MA, Phd with 3 published books and regular appearance on national television and radio!!!
Before she could completely strip me (excuse the pun, I intend to convey the idea that "before she could completely do a pyscho analysis on me and categorize me into one of the personality types based on the first four sentences I said" ;) ), some other people entered the hall...disaster averted...
As we commenced with the session, she asked each one of us why we were attending this programme...being slaves of the so called corporate culture, every one started giving what I would call superficially polished answers, praising it and similar jibberish...when my turn came, it had to be...well...different...(don't YOU judge me)...I told her that I wanted a break from my routine work...and that I was looking for something refreshing...(Wrong thing to say as I found after two long days)...
The first day was all about Mind dynamics - associations, deletion, distortion, visualizations for the major part of it...albeit all done through experiential learning to keep us awake...some matrix about competency and consciousness to catch our imagination too...and then she told us that the next day we were going to be watching THE SECRET (yes...the movie on which the book by Rhonda Byrne is based on...FYI..very few people know that the movie came first and then the book).
The next day came...buzz in the air...free movie after all... :)
The screening began..for good one and a half hour, it kept us engaged and the remainder of the day was spent on discussing learnings from the same...obviously there were a host of other activities which I am going to keep aside to get to the topic of this post...
The reason why I wrote this post is to discuss the two varying schools of thought...
The first one talks about what the Secret prophesized...the LAW OF ATTRACTION...the theory behind ASKING, BELIEVING and RECEIVING...the Universe being a genie waiting to fulfil your every wish...something what Mr. Coelho echoed in The Alchemist about the universe conspiring to give you anything you wanted (which was very unpolitely plagiarized in Om Shanti Om)...Positive thinking...and similar old wines being served in newer bottles.
In a sense, I think it lays stress in the notion that your thinking greatly effects the eventual outcomes...to a certain degree, I am convinced on one level that they do...I will take it one step further...to put this thought into action...summoning Mr. NEO aka Mr. Anderson from the Wachowski's Matrix...the dialogues between Morpheus and NEO (which is btw an acronym for ONE) where they discuss the eventual dilemma being the CHOICE - the blue pill or the red pill...even the theory of quantum physics suggests the possibility of parallel universes existing (leading to the concept of multiverses) depending upon the choices one makes....
So, in a way the above two when superposed on each other mean that your thought backed up in the physical world by means of choices of actions that you take will result in a certain outcome - that you are the dictator of your destiny...what you wish and choose is what you get...
The second thought talks about the group that subscribe to the understanding that everything around us is a clever devise by the almighty aka God to make us believe that we are in control - whereas in reality, he has already devised the outcomes of each of the thoughts and choices we think we make (and no, not the reality that we humans perceive -I am referring to the real truth). Its such a complex intertwining that we live in an illusion thinking of ourselves as masters of our fates where we are just playing out our parts (as Shakespeare referred to). Citing Merovinjian from Matrix: "Choice is an illusion created between those with power and those without". Then are we really Masters or mere Slaves?
So, what is the truth?
At times, you feel that you are in total control, the captain of this ship...only to be hit by the waves of this unsettling sea...and then to blame destiny for it...
I am sorry...I don't know...its a question left best to the Platos and Socrates and Aristotles of this world to contemplate upon...even Einstein remarked "God doesn't play dice"...probably to convey his struggle with this answer...
Feel free (if you can) to think about what you think about this dilemma...share them if you like.
I will head back to my vodka and the soothing tunes of Shriman Ghulam Ali...
Jokes apart, it had been a while since I had done any training...and I wasn't in a mood to participate in another functional lesson...so the choice was simple...something based on soft skills fitted the bill...CHANGING MINDSETS was the way to go...honestly speaking, I was more charged up by the fact that I was in Gurgaon after a while rather than being excited about changing my mindset!
Anyways, so there I was racing down from Noida to Signature towers at 7 in the morning...the location befuddled me but thankfully it wasn't a big deal to find it...hmm...45 mins too early for the session and I expected no one to be present...there she was sitting before anyone was there...
Social rituals dictated that we exchanged pleasantries...I introduced my self to her...and then she did the same...
The word "psychologist" has always had me running for the doors - imagine one with a MA, Phd with 3 published books and regular appearance on national television and radio!!!
Before she could completely strip me (excuse the pun, I intend to convey the idea that "before she could completely do a pyscho analysis on me and categorize me into one of the personality types based on the first four sentences I said" ;) ), some other people entered the hall...disaster averted...
As we commenced with the session, she asked each one of us why we were attending this programme...being slaves of the so called corporate culture, every one started giving what I would call superficially polished answers, praising it and similar jibberish...when my turn came, it had to be...well...different...(don't YOU judge me)...I told her that I wanted a break from my routine work...and that I was looking for something refreshing...(Wrong thing to say as I found after two long days)...
The first day was all about Mind dynamics - associations, deletion, distortion, visualizations for the major part of it...albeit all done through experiential learning to keep us awake...some matrix about competency and consciousness to catch our imagination too...and then she told us that the next day we were going to be watching THE SECRET (yes...the movie on which the book by Rhonda Byrne is based on...FYI..very few people know that the movie came first and then the book).
The next day came...buzz in the air...free movie after all... :)
The screening began..for good one and a half hour, it kept us engaged and the remainder of the day was spent on discussing learnings from the same...obviously there were a host of other activities which I am going to keep aside to get to the topic of this post...
The reason why I wrote this post is to discuss the two varying schools of thought...
The first one talks about what the Secret prophesized...the LAW OF ATTRACTION...the theory behind ASKING, BELIEVING and RECEIVING...the Universe being a genie waiting to fulfil your every wish...something what Mr. Coelho echoed in The Alchemist about the universe conspiring to give you anything you wanted (which was very unpolitely plagiarized in Om Shanti Om)...Positive thinking...and similar old wines being served in newer bottles.
In a sense, I think it lays stress in the notion that your thinking greatly effects the eventual outcomes...to a certain degree, I am convinced on one level that they do...I will take it one step further...to put this thought into action...summoning Mr. NEO aka Mr. Anderson from the Wachowski's Matrix...the dialogues between Morpheus and NEO (which is btw an acronym for ONE) where they discuss the eventual dilemma being the CHOICE - the blue pill or the red pill...even the theory of quantum physics suggests the possibility of parallel universes existing (leading to the concept of multiverses) depending upon the choices one makes....
So, in a way the above two when superposed on each other mean that your thought backed up in the physical world by means of choices of actions that you take will result in a certain outcome - that you are the dictator of your destiny...what you wish and choose is what you get...
The second thought talks about the group that subscribe to the understanding that everything around us is a clever devise by the almighty aka God to make us believe that we are in control - whereas in reality, he has already devised the outcomes of each of the thoughts and choices we think we make (and no, not the reality that we humans perceive -I am referring to the real truth). Its such a complex intertwining that we live in an illusion thinking of ourselves as masters of our fates where we are just playing out our parts (as Shakespeare referred to). Citing Merovinjian from Matrix: "Choice is an illusion created between those with power and those without". Then are we really Masters or mere Slaves?
So, what is the truth?
At times, you feel that you are in total control, the captain of this ship...only to be hit by the waves of this unsettling sea...and then to blame destiny for it...
I am sorry...I don't know...its a question left best to the Platos and Socrates and Aristotles of this world to contemplate upon...even Einstein remarked "God doesn't play dice"...probably to convey his struggle with this answer...
Feel free (if you can) to think about what you think about this dilemma...share them if you like.
I will head back to my vodka and the soothing tunes of Shriman Ghulam Ali...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
संघर्ष या परिवर्तन
किसी ने सही ही कहा है - संघर्ष ही जीवन का दूसरा नाम है।
मैं नही जानता की इससे आप क्या तात्पर्य निकालेंगे। और मैं यह भी नहीं जानता की आज मुझे इस विचार पर विमर्श करने के लिए किसने प्रेरित किया है। अपने सामान्य क्षम के ऊपर जोर देने के बाद मैंने यह सार निकाला है कि ज़िन्दगी के पहले क्षण से लेकर अंतिम क्षण तक, आप कभी ना ख़तम होने वाली प्रतियोगिता मे एक और पयदे है।
जीवन के पहले नन्हे कदम से आपका येही मार्ग दर्शन किया जाता है। जो जीता वोही सिकंदर। अपसोस बस इसी बात का है की इस जीत की परिभाषा कोई नहीं जनता। व्यावारिक नजरिये से देखने पर इसमें विधि के व्यंग में कोई घोर असमंझस नज़र नहीं आती। आखिर इस समाज मे कुछ भी परम नहीं है, सब कुछ एक तराजू पर नापा और तोला जाता है।
विद्यालय मे प्रथम आने की रेस।
दफ्तर मे अपने सहकर्मी से आगे निकलने की रेस ।
घर पे अपने पडोसी, रिश्ते दारो, दोस्त्तों से आगे निकलने की रेस ।
कोई मकानों की होड़ मे है तो कोई हरे गाँधी जी की पूजा मे मग्न है।
और फिर आप पृथ्वी पर अपने कुछ लम्हे इसी मकसत को हासील करने मे व्यर्थ कर देते है।
शायद यह संसार की रचना का आधार है। परन्तु मुनष्य को प्रगति के पथ पर सारथि की तरह आगे बढाती उर्जा भी येही है। कुछ पाकर दिखाने की इच्छा, अपने को दूसरो से बेहतर साबित करने की चाह।
आपका अपना नजरिया होगा - कोई सही या गलत नहीं है।
बस आपसे येही गुज़ारिश है की इस १०० मीटर की दौड़ मे अपने जीवन के हसीं लम्हों को ना भूलना।
समय आने पर आपके जीवन का मूल्य आपका बैंक बैलेंस नहीं, आपके अपने, आपके दोस्त बताएंगे।
भगवत गीता का सहारा लूँगा -
तू क्या लेकर आया था, और क्या लेकर जायेगा।
जो पाया यही पाया, जो खोया यही खोया।
जो आज तेरा है, कल किसी और का था और कल किसी और का हो जायेगा
परिवर्तन संसार का नियम है .
शुभ रात्रि!
मैं नही जानता की इससे आप क्या तात्पर्य निकालेंगे। और मैं यह भी नहीं जानता की आज मुझे इस विचार पर विमर्श करने के लिए किसने प्रेरित किया है। अपने सामान्य क्षम के ऊपर जोर देने के बाद मैंने यह सार निकाला है कि ज़िन्दगी के पहले क्षण से लेकर अंतिम क्षण तक, आप कभी ना ख़तम होने वाली प्रतियोगिता मे एक और पयदे है।
जीवन के पहले नन्हे कदम से आपका येही मार्ग दर्शन किया जाता है। जो जीता वोही सिकंदर। अपसोस बस इसी बात का है की इस जीत की परिभाषा कोई नहीं जनता। व्यावारिक नजरिये से देखने पर इसमें विधि के व्यंग में कोई घोर असमंझस नज़र नहीं आती। आखिर इस समाज मे कुछ भी परम नहीं है, सब कुछ एक तराजू पर नापा और तोला जाता है।
विद्यालय मे प्रथम आने की रेस।
दफ्तर मे अपने सहकर्मी से आगे निकलने की रेस ।
घर पे अपने पडोसी, रिश्ते दारो, दोस्त्तों से आगे निकलने की रेस ।
कोई मकानों की होड़ मे है तो कोई हरे गाँधी जी की पूजा मे मग्न है।
और फिर आप पृथ्वी पर अपने कुछ लम्हे इसी मकसत को हासील करने मे व्यर्थ कर देते है।
शायद यह संसार की रचना का आधार है। परन्तु मुनष्य को प्रगति के पथ पर सारथि की तरह आगे बढाती उर्जा भी येही है। कुछ पाकर दिखाने की इच्छा, अपने को दूसरो से बेहतर साबित करने की चाह।
आपका अपना नजरिया होगा - कोई सही या गलत नहीं है।
बस आपसे येही गुज़ारिश है की इस १०० मीटर की दौड़ मे अपने जीवन के हसीं लम्हों को ना भूलना।
समय आने पर आपके जीवन का मूल्य आपका बैंक बैलेंस नहीं, आपके अपने, आपके दोस्त बताएंगे।
भगवत गीता का सहारा लूँगा -
तू क्या लेकर आया था, और क्या लेकर जायेगा।
जो पाया यही पाया, जो खोया यही खोया।
जो आज तेरा है, कल किसी और का था और कल किसी और का हो जायेगा
परिवर्तन संसार का नियम है .
शुभ रात्रि!
Monday, May 3, 2010
THE WALL!!!
Actually, I was tempted to write the following for this post:
"UNDER CONSTRUCTION"
But then, I wouldn't disappoint you totally...
Truth be told...plainly and as simply...its Renovation time...or as I call RE-INNOVATION time...
My crib is totally a mess - one more reason to keep me on the go...but getting your home renovated is an exciting affair...
Last time, I just got to choose the colors of the walls and the theme of the room...THIS TIME ITS AWESOMELY AMAZINGLY interesting...I not only get to choose the colors, I AM DESIGNING IT...wicked...ain't it...
The creative juices are flowing at full throttle...I have thought of a couple of ideas...I love 'em...so much so that the designer suggested me to change my profession...but then I am used to doing things differently...after all, I am ME...(ok...too much narcissism isn't good...hehe)
Though I have finalized the texture for the walls, the color combination, the furniture and design, basically everything ;) I would love to hear your views on what you would get done...as they say, there's always scope for improvement...
THE WALL...UNVIELING this WEEKEND...
"UNDER CONSTRUCTION"
But then, I wouldn't disappoint you totally...
Truth be told...plainly and as simply...its Renovation time...or as I call RE-INNOVATION time...
My crib is totally a mess - one more reason to keep me on the go...but getting your home renovated is an exciting affair...
Last time, I just got to choose the colors of the walls and the theme of the room...THIS TIME ITS AWESOMELY AMAZINGLY interesting...I not only get to choose the colors, I AM DESIGNING IT...wicked...ain't it...
The creative juices are flowing at full throttle...I have thought of a couple of ideas...I love 'em...so much so that the designer suggested me to change my profession...but then I am used to doing things differently...after all, I am ME...(ok...too much narcissism isn't good...hehe)
Though I have finalized the texture for the walls, the color combination, the furniture and design, basically everything ;) I would love to hear your views on what you would get done...as they say, there's always scope for improvement...
THE WALL...UNVIELING this WEEKEND...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Change of thought!
"These seats are so damn uncomfortable", my friend remarked as soon as we sat on the last few remaining seats in the AC bus of Himachal Roadways.
Last minute plans don't leave you a lot of room for options. Both of us had to make it to Delhi today and we didn't care what bus we would get. Used to the luxury of traveling in the pristine Volvo's on weekends, a small voice echoed inside me egging to wait for the next Volvo rather than embark on what we correctly expected to be a long journey.
On the face of it, the seats looked ok...obviously, I wasn't expecting the suspension of the bus to be even close to that of the B7R Volvo. But desperation, alas!!! I was disappointed by the fact that there was no power point on the ride, the battery of my laptop has been fully drained and I wasn't in a mood to fall asleep any time soon...
Being seated close to the rear of the bus, we were fearing the bone crunching jumps on NH-1. But we were also delighted to find that the last seat was totally vacant...this made for a perfect bed for at least one of us...All throughout, I struggled to find myself a sweet spot where I could seat myself in peace and doze off but landed up turning sides every two minutes...My friend kept on cursing the damn driver for putting the AC on chill mode and for driving so rashly that the bus kept on jumping...I was eager to get back home where I could lay in my comfy bed and have a satisfactory sleep. But when you are going down the hill, you really are on a roll...the bus driver drove so slowly that I seemed it would take ages to get back...Not a single thing went our way the entire journey.
Finally, when we did see the illuminations and lights at ISBT Delhi @ 4 in the morning, you could not even imagine the kind of delight both of us experienced - I said to my friend, finally the torturous journey ends...we bid each other good night as we headed our own ways and swore never to board HP tourism buses again...
Content with my decision and rubbing my sleep deprived eyes, I started boarding the flight of stairs on the overhead bridge to make it to the other side of the ever so busy Ring Road.
Life has its own ways of teaching you lessons, more often that not, it feels like a slap on your face...I couldn't have even thought of the sight in front of me...tens and tens of people laying on the floor, sleeping peacefully, covered in torn blankets - not feeling the heat of the early summer; been disturbed by scores of people who would rush to cross the roads like me making a lot of noise in the process. Most of them sharing the narrow lane of tiles that would give you an ache in your heel if you walked on it, leave alone sleeping...the picture became grimmer when I gazed from top of the bridge across the road. One could just see the entire fields and the footpaths covered with many more souls like I had seen moments ago.
My mind became numb, completely devoid of any thoughts...I felt like eating my words - all that cursing and complaining about how uncomfortable the seats back in the bus were came back to haunt me...all along the 40 minute auto ride from ISBT to back home, I tried contemplating on how used to worldly comforts that one becomes - including myself...this rat race, this tryst, this struggle so that we can improve our lifestyles...I am not against that...after all, it is all about aiming to achieve the next level...and then the next one and so on...but deep down inside, I felt that I should never forgot my roots, I should never become so detached, so apathetic to others not as fortunate as I am, and be thankful to those who have provided me this luxury...
Its been 14 hours since I had reached home last night...but that sleep continues to elude me...I had been wanting to talk to someone about this since then...probably, the fact that I have got this out of my system will ensure that the much needed sleep will ensue...but more than that, I sincerely hope and expect that this change of thought and attitude will remain with me forever...just in case, even if I get close to forgetting it, I have you to remind me of that.
I hope that you too have a goodnight's sleep.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Unwell!!!
"Hello...(hello...hello...),
Is anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on
Now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?"
Huh...how wrong are you. Mr. Waters and Mr. Gilmour!
No...I have not become Comfortably Numb...on the contrary, its very uncomfortable...
How long has it been? Probably 4 days since I have slept...I can gauge by the intensity of the dark circles forming under my eyes...even my superficial pair of lenses fails to veil the sleeplessness...It hadn't dawned upon me till evening until my chief called me in and asked me whether I was doing fine...hell, he even asked me to visit the hospital...I smirked and answered with my usual nonchalance towards his superfluous concern..."koi chakkar nahi (as in to mean its ok)" and thought to myself...its been ages since I last visited a doc...5 years perhaps (touch wood)... not that I wish to schedule an appointment with 'em any time before I am on my death bed...
But yes, I called it an early evening today and came back to my den...just to contemplate on my state of being...this seeming disorder that is slowly but surely percolating into my veins...
No, its not the work - neither the quality nor quantity that is bogging me down...and it never will because its just not in my nature anymore to be pegged down by menial things like these...
Not to sound arrogant, I am well aware that being smarter and more hardworking than most people, has its own disadvantages...people around you wish to take the liberty to pass on some more of it to you every single time thinking that I am oblivious to what is happening...FYI...I do your work so that you can go home early and enjoy the nice little evening with your family...but certain things in life will always remain thankless...and that's the way it is...
Am I somewhere off my usual routine?...nops...same old eating habits....5 times daily to keep me in that anabolic mode...same old physical training every morning...same old GG...so what is different?
Thinking hard as I can, I don't think its easy to answer this question...your head tells you one thing and your heart the other...I had an opportunity to hear Sidhu paaji last week (though I am not a very big fan of Sidhusim)...I still remember what he said..Son, in matters where you face a conflict between the pure heart and the head, always trust your heart for the answer...
I shall try and do the same...perhaps, it will ease the pain...
Ohayogozaimasu! (I think thats what they call Good Morning in Japanese)
Is anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on
Now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?"
Huh...how wrong are you. Mr. Waters and Mr. Gilmour!
No...I have not become Comfortably Numb...on the contrary, its very uncomfortable...
How long has it been? Probably 4 days since I have slept...I can gauge by the intensity of the dark circles forming under my eyes...even my superficial pair of lenses fails to veil the sleeplessness...It hadn't dawned upon me till evening until my chief called me in and asked me whether I was doing fine...hell, he even asked me to visit the hospital...I smirked and answered with my usual nonchalance towards his superfluous concern..."koi chakkar nahi (as in to mean its ok)" and thought to myself...its been ages since I last visited a doc...5 years perhaps (touch wood)... not that I wish to schedule an appointment with 'em any time before I am on my death bed...
But yes, I called it an early evening today and came back to my den...just to contemplate on my state of being...this seeming disorder that is slowly but surely percolating into my veins...
No, its not the work - neither the quality nor quantity that is bogging me down...and it never will because its just not in my nature anymore to be pegged down by menial things like these...
Not to sound arrogant, I am well aware that being smarter and more hardworking than most people, has its own disadvantages...people around you wish to take the liberty to pass on some more of it to you every single time thinking that I am oblivious to what is happening...FYI...I do your work so that you can go home early and enjoy the nice little evening with your family...but certain things in life will always remain thankless...and that's the way it is...
Am I somewhere off my usual routine?...nops...same old eating habits....5 times daily to keep me in that anabolic mode...same old physical training every morning...same old GG...so what is different?
Thinking hard as I can, I don't think its easy to answer this question...your head tells you one thing and your heart the other...I had an opportunity to hear Sidhu paaji last week (though I am not a very big fan of Sidhusim)...I still remember what he said..Son, in matters where you face a conflict between the pure heart and the head, always trust your heart for the answer...
I shall try and do the same...perhaps, it will ease the pain...
Ohayogozaimasu! (I think thats what they call Good Morning in Japanese)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Of Generalizations!!!
I am listening to one of my favorite tracks...this one is by Sting called Tomorrow we will see. The lyrics of the song go as under:
The streets are wet
The lights have yet
To shed their darkened luster on the scene
My skirt's too short
My tights are run
These new heels are killing me
A second pack of cigarettes
It's a slow night, but there's time yet
Here comes the john from his other life
He may be driving to his wife
But he slowed down, take a look
I've learned to read them just like books
It's already half past ten
But they'll be back again
Head lights in a rainy street
I checked, made sure it's not the heat
I wink, I smile, I wave my hand
He stops, he seems to understand
A small transaction we must meet
I tell him that my heart will break
If he's not a generous man
I step into his van
They say the first's the hardest trick
But after that it's just a matter of logic
They have the money I have the time
Being pretty's my only crime
Ask what future do I see
I say it's really up to me
I don't need forgiving
I'm just making a living
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
For tomorrow we'll see
A friend of mine, he wound up dead
His dress is stained with color red
The next of kin, no fixed abode
Another victim on this road
The police just carted him away
But someone took his place next day
He's home by Thanksgiving
But not with the living
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
I know it's just not in my plan
For someone to care who I am
I walk in the streets for money
It's the business of love, hey honey, come on!
Don't leave me lonely, don't leave me sad
I'll be the sweetest five minutes you'll ever have
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
And tomorrow we'll see
If you are smart enough, you would have deciphered that this track is a self described thought of a prostitute...she is pointing to what she has been subjected to by the onlookers - ostracized...without having a figment of idea of her circumstances, how crudely she has been judged and categorized as a someone by others around her...
In a lecture of organizational behavior in the MB of A, you would be taught that this is called stereotyping - the pathetic art of classifying people because of certain common attributes they might share with the clan.
Each one of us has been either stereotyped someone else or has been at the receiving end of one in our lifetime...most likely, you would have experienced both...
I will be plainly lying to you if I said that I can't recall any such instances in my lifetime...I believe you would be too if you do deny it...since I can't manage to forget things easily (trust me, its a pain in your ass), I happened to recollect several instances when I was on either side of the see-saw...
Most recently, he has been hinting at me, on several occasions...trying to poke me with some utter garbage about coiffuring (probably because my hair happen to be very long and I am too lazy to keep a clean shave everyday!!!)...I like to retort...and I do...seeking a logic...and then the usual BS about corporate culture is thrown across...my mind fails to process whats being fed...GIGO is what strikes me...Garbage in - Garbage Out - and I shove a theory on stereotyping across to call it evens...that would calm him down for a while...
I rewind even more...and chapter after chapter of similar stuff keeps inundating my thoughts - the interview panel quizzing me about how can you be from sciences and still hope to excel in management...how can you not be an engineer and still survive in this world...how can you be in the top percentile of your class and still play sports for your school...i care a bollocks...
Its not that I haven't stereotyped ever - I have...I remember when I used to dismiss my sibling's thoughts because he is younger and apparently did not know how this world worked and I knew more than him...the time when I thought women couldn't drive and that my mother was the worst driver in the family (yet she is the one who has never had an accident while I keep on smashing our ride)...and many more...
Chuck it...I don't intend you to take away anything from this post...rather its better that you give this time around...leave your sense of judging people by their attributes (be their physique, their background, their culture, their thoughts, etc..etc..etc..)...its hard but the fact remains that what goes around, comes around...
Remember...
1) Don't judge anyone simply on what they appear to be...
2) Don't forget point 1
3) Women are not bad drivers!!!
Adios Amigos!
The streets are wet
The lights have yet
To shed their darkened luster on the scene
My skirt's too short
My tights are run
These new heels are killing me
A second pack of cigarettes
It's a slow night, but there's time yet
Here comes the john from his other life
He may be driving to his wife
But he slowed down, take a look
I've learned to read them just like books
It's already half past ten
But they'll be back again
Head lights in a rainy street
I checked, made sure it's not the heat
I wink, I smile, I wave my hand
He stops, he seems to understand
A small transaction we must meet
I tell him that my heart will break
If he's not a generous man
I step into his van
They say the first's the hardest trick
But after that it's just a matter of logic
They have the money I have the time
Being pretty's my only crime
Ask what future do I see
I say it's really up to me
I don't need forgiving
I'm just making a living
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
For tomorrow we'll see
A friend of mine, he wound up dead
His dress is stained with color red
The next of kin, no fixed abode
Another victim on this road
The police just carted him away
But someone took his place next day
He's home by Thanksgiving
But not with the living
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
I know it's just not in my plan
For someone to care who I am
I walk in the streets for money
It's the business of love, hey honey, come on!
Don't leave me lonely, don't leave me sad
I'll be the sweetest five minutes you'll ever have
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
And tomorrow we'll see
If you are smart enough, you would have deciphered that this track is a self described thought of a prostitute...she is pointing to what she has been subjected to by the onlookers - ostracized...without having a figment of idea of her circumstances, how crudely she has been judged and categorized as a someone by others around her...
In a lecture of organizational behavior in the MB of A, you would be taught that this is called stereotyping - the pathetic art of classifying people because of certain common attributes they might share with the clan.
Each one of us has been either stereotyped someone else or has been at the receiving end of one in our lifetime...most likely, you would have experienced both...
I will be plainly lying to you if I said that I can't recall any such instances in my lifetime...I believe you would be too if you do deny it...since I can't manage to forget things easily (trust me, its a pain in your ass), I happened to recollect several instances when I was on either side of the see-saw...
Most recently, he has been hinting at me, on several occasions...trying to poke me with some utter garbage about coiffuring (probably because my hair happen to be very long and I am too lazy to keep a clean shave everyday!!!)...I like to retort...and I do...seeking a logic...and then the usual BS about corporate culture is thrown across...my mind fails to process whats being fed...GIGO is what strikes me...Garbage in - Garbage Out - and I shove a theory on stereotyping across to call it evens...that would calm him down for a while...
I rewind even more...and chapter after chapter of similar stuff keeps inundating my thoughts - the interview panel quizzing me about how can you be from sciences and still hope to excel in management...how can you not be an engineer and still survive in this world...how can you be in the top percentile of your class and still play sports for your school...i care a bollocks...
Its not that I haven't stereotyped ever - I have...I remember when I used to dismiss my sibling's thoughts because he is younger and apparently did not know how this world worked and I knew more than him...the time when I thought women couldn't drive and that my mother was the worst driver in the family (yet she is the one who has never had an accident while I keep on smashing our ride)...and many more...
Chuck it...I don't intend you to take away anything from this post...rather its better that you give this time around...leave your sense of judging people by their attributes (be their physique, their background, their culture, their thoughts, etc..etc..etc..)...its hard but the fact remains that what goes around, comes around...
Remember...
1) Don't judge anyone simply on what they appear to be...
2) Don't forget point 1
3) Women are not bad drivers!!!
Adios Amigos!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Dreamzzz...
Ever noticed the cute li'l baby when she is sleeping... :)
Can't miss that, can you...
I am sure that all of us have, at one point or another in time been awed by the way she makes us smile by her cherubic disposition...
I don't know how babies do that...what magical powers they have to make you forget the harshest of pains and sufferings for that tiny spell...
Anyways...the reason why I mentioned them was I somehow landed up connecting the dots between a baby's sleep and what goes in between their ears when they do so...no, I am not crazy...lol
After spending some seconds on the thought, I drifted off in to the safe haven called Dreams...
Scientists may have several reasons for explaining why we dream and all the associated stuff...but what I come to realize that dreams give you that certain something that you always wanted...for a few minutes, there are no limits, no boundaries, no inhibitions...no one to tell you otherwise, no ifs, no buts...
You can be whatever you want...actor, writer, designer, sports player...
You can do whatever you yearn for...go on an adventure, fly into space...
You can be with whoever you wish to...the person you love...the person who makes you want to live another day...
You can say whatever came across...with no fear...
Utopia...where you decide the outcome...where people love you back...things that you really care exist and exist forever...
No wonder the babies smile when they are sleeping...
Dream on, Child!
Can't miss that, can you...
I am sure that all of us have, at one point or another in time been awed by the way she makes us smile by her cherubic disposition...
I don't know how babies do that...what magical powers they have to make you forget the harshest of pains and sufferings for that tiny spell...
Anyways...the reason why I mentioned them was I somehow landed up connecting the dots between a baby's sleep and what goes in between their ears when they do so...no, I am not crazy...lol
After spending some seconds on the thought, I drifted off in to the safe haven called Dreams...
Scientists may have several reasons for explaining why we dream and all the associated stuff...but what I come to realize that dreams give you that certain something that you always wanted...for a few minutes, there are no limits, no boundaries, no inhibitions...no one to tell you otherwise, no ifs, no buts...
You can be whatever you want...actor, writer, designer, sports player...
You can do whatever you yearn for...go on an adventure, fly into space...
You can be with whoever you wish to...the person you love...the person who makes you want to live another day...
You can say whatever came across...with no fear...
Utopia...where you decide the outcome...where people love you back...things that you really care exist and exist forever...
No wonder the babies smile when they are sleeping...
Dream on, Child!
That hurts!!!
Its been a while since I have last dished out my thoughts...not that nothing adventurous hasn't happened in the last 2o odd days...I have been dying to write something...perhaps because, I somehow have this inability to express my feelings...I rather choose to write about them than convey them across...I don't know whether that is for the good or otherwise...I don't know whether that is because I end up thinking too much of the consequences or its the tacit me getting the better of me every single time...this undesired characteristic has always taken me by surprise, where I would finish thinking what if I had done things the other way around...in every sphere...
One particular reason that has prompted me to return to this page again is that today has been a very indifferent (read painful, heartbreaking, aching, etc...whatever conveys the intensity across to you) day for me...I have always been reserved about my feelings...today is no different...but somehow I think that if I don't let it out now, I am going to suffer for the next few days...and there's nothing like prolonged heartache to hurt you...and you my friend are the only person next to me now that will hear me peacefully and probably help me mellow down that burn...
Its not about the 20 hours that I have spent working today...its not about the sheer mechanized existence...these are too menial to bother me...but somehow I don't feel good...
There are certain things that fill you with delight... perhaps too many to mention...perhaps even too small...but they leave you with a smile on your face...some that make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time...they make you wanna live more...You know...
And then there are some that makes you feel that you have had enough...
The worst ones are those that you take too personally...the ones that you let too close to your heart...Unfortunately but undeniably...they sting...they upset you more than anything ever can...your entire life comes crashing down...f@#k
I am in that state now...don't ask me why...I can't tell you that...even if I wanted to...
One particular reason that has prompted me to return to this page again is that today has been a very indifferent (read painful, heartbreaking, aching, etc...whatever conveys the intensity across to you) day for me...I have always been reserved about my feelings...today is no different...but somehow I think that if I don't let it out now, I am going to suffer for the next few days...and there's nothing like prolonged heartache to hurt you...and you my friend are the only person next to me now that will hear me peacefully and probably help me mellow down that burn...
Its not about the 20 hours that I have spent working today...its not about the sheer mechanized existence...these are too menial to bother me...but somehow I don't feel good...
There are certain things that fill you with delight... perhaps too many to mention...perhaps even too small...but they leave you with a smile on your face...some that make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time...they make you wanna live more...You know...
And then there are some that makes you feel that you have had enough...
The worst ones are those that you take too personally...the ones that you let too close to your heart...Unfortunately but undeniably...they sting...they upset you more than anything ever can...your entire life comes crashing down...f@#k
I am in that state now...don't ask me why...I can't tell you that...even if I wanted to...
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Best Drive Ever
Aahh!!!
The sheer thought of two of my favorite things - DnD - Delhi & Driving fills me with incomparable delight. Discovering Delhi on my own had always interested me...and ever since I learned to drive 7 years back, my wish had got 4 wheels.
I have to admit that I have always been scared of getting on a two wheeler - and that too not without a reason - after all, how long can you expect gyroscopic motion to compensate for the lack of balance...I, for one, always compared riding a bike to walking a tight rope! I would rather prefer to walk miles, or even expose myself to the excruciating experience of a Blue Line than get on anything less than 4 wheels...And since the day this thought had surfaced in my mind, I had decided, it had to be car...
Learning to drive a car is one of the most anticipated and eagerly awaited time - at least for the guys...and that too for multifarious reasons. I, too, like most of us had learned to drive from the local driving school. The Thapa's visit for fifteen laborious, stressful but exciting rotations of the earth was a time I planned my day around. The first lesson of ABC (accelerator, brake and clutch for the ones not aware of it), the fidgety contraption fitted in the old Maruti 800 and my first day out on my father's car are some of the most indelible moments from my driving experience so far. Though, I had to hand it out to my mum who patiently sat out, and that too very quietly, egging me on as I tried to smoothen my hand on a real car (and not computer games for once). Yes, there were accidents. Very funny ones at that too...after all, trying to park a car in 3rd gear @ 40 kmph is rather funny...banging it into your neighbours ride is even funnier...and then trying to convince him that his vehicle wasn't parked the right way, is, as Mastercard calls it, Priceless...
But life, like the inevitable flipside of the coin is not always funny. Take it from me...there is nothing more scary than losing control of a car speeding at 120 kmph on a state highway, skidding away and colliding with a bus head on! The moment when you realize that its not in your hands anymore, you see your entire life flash by. But then life has its own ways. You come out unscathed, as alive as you ever would be, thanks to your seat belts. Trust me, these things work great. And it is events like these that change your concept of driving forever...or for the next few days at least.
Now, being a commuter in Delhi, especially if you happen to drive, is always an interesting time.
Though, New Delhi is rated as "the best city to drive in" in the entire country, I have always wondered how other metros would be if Delhi is the No. 1 benchmark. I have tread endless miles on Delhi roads...from the widest lanes to the narrowest corners, from the butter smooth paved roads of DND and NH-8 flyways to the tarmac in the potholes of Kapashera and Gurgaon, Delhi roads have a plethora of experience to offer. Not excluding the fact that 99% of people on the road do not know to drive the right way despite 100% of us knowing the basic traffic rules is another ingredient to this enriching journey.
Whenever I am Delhi, I have to drive! And I set off on trips traversing from Eastern most parts to the Southern most corners most frequently. While mostly I am speeding my way through the heavy traffic trying to reach my destinations as early as possible (without the intervention of teleportation), this time I wasn't my usual self. For my latest journey, I had to meet a couple of friends down in Gurgaon.
Anyone well acquainted with Delhi traffic knows that you leave 2 hours in advance to travel such a distance. I did the same. But something was awfully different this time. I don't know. Instead of putting ear blaring and mind numbing music, I opted for some soft melancholies. And snap, I wasn't pestered by the fact that I will have to drive down through the usual crazy mess. For once, upon noticing the traffic lights turn from green to yellow, I didn't press hard on the accelelator. I wasn't worried about having to wait 90 seconds at each of the lights. Nor did I want to jump any of those...very unlike me...but the sheer thought of abiding by the traffic rules had started making me feel good from inside. When required, I was changing gears with ease, precisely at the speeds prescribed by the manufacturer. I wasn't changing lanes haphazardly, indicating every time I needed to. I wasn't speeding, ensuring that I was well within the permitted speed limits at all times. The thought of people whizzing past me in their rides didn't seem to bother me anymore while on other occasions I would have been game for a race. Upon getting stuck up behind someone, I wasn't honking the horn, patiently waiting for the driver ahead to get a move on. The sights of the traffic signal showing red, yellow and green simultaneously didn't even make me whiff. I wasn't cursing the administration for the whole mess on the roads. I would usually get down in a verbal volley with anyone if they didn't budge out of the way or if they tried to give me lessons on how to drive. This time, all I had were the words "Thank You" and "Sorry" for them. Life on the road seemed a whole lot peaceful. No more stress, no more tension, no more hurry and a lot more enjoyable.
While on my way back late night, I was wondering what had made this difference.
The message in the side view mirror got me thinking - "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear", like it was shedding light in the immense dark around me.
I realized that all this while, it was only up to one factor to decide how I saw things, how I reacted to everything around me,whether I liked it or abhorred it - ME. Anything else was just an excuse. And now as I sit penning down what I had been missing all this while, I'll take another twenty seconds for a few lessons -
1) Never hurry on the roads, there is someone waiting for you to get back home!
2) The difference between 60 kmph and 100 kmph is a few minutes, its just not worth that risk
And I saw the next one on the Noida DND (I smiled as I went past this one)
3) I love Traffic rules!!!
Hope you find your Best Drive Ever soon!!!
The sheer thought of two of my favorite things - DnD - Delhi & Driving fills me with incomparable delight. Discovering Delhi on my own had always interested me...and ever since I learned to drive 7 years back, my wish had got 4 wheels.
I have to admit that I have always been scared of getting on a two wheeler - and that too not without a reason - after all, how long can you expect gyroscopic motion to compensate for the lack of balance...I, for one, always compared riding a bike to walking a tight rope! I would rather prefer to walk miles, or even expose myself to the excruciating experience of a Blue Line than get on anything less than 4 wheels...And since the day this thought had surfaced in my mind, I had decided, it had to be car...
Learning to drive a car is one of the most anticipated and eagerly awaited time - at least for the guys...and that too for multifarious reasons. I, too, like most of us had learned to drive from the local driving school. The Thapa's visit for fifteen laborious, stressful but exciting rotations of the earth was a time I planned my day around. The first lesson of ABC (accelerator, brake and clutch for the ones not aware of it), the fidgety contraption fitted in the old Maruti 800 and my first day out on my father's car are some of the most indelible moments from my driving experience so far. Though, I had to hand it out to my mum who patiently sat out, and that too very quietly, egging me on as I tried to smoothen my hand on a real car (and not computer games for once). Yes, there were accidents. Very funny ones at that too...after all, trying to park a car in 3rd gear @ 40 kmph is rather funny...banging it into your neighbours ride is even funnier...and then trying to convince him that his vehicle wasn't parked the right way, is, as Mastercard calls it, Priceless...
But life, like the inevitable flipside of the coin is not always funny. Take it from me...there is nothing more scary than losing control of a car speeding at 120 kmph on a state highway, skidding away and colliding with a bus head on! The moment when you realize that its not in your hands anymore, you see your entire life flash by. But then life has its own ways. You come out unscathed, as alive as you ever would be, thanks to your seat belts. Trust me, these things work great. And it is events like these that change your concept of driving forever...or for the next few days at least.
Now, being a commuter in Delhi, especially if you happen to drive, is always an interesting time.
Though, New Delhi is rated as "the best city to drive in" in the entire country, I have always wondered how other metros would be if Delhi is the No. 1 benchmark. I have tread endless miles on Delhi roads...from the widest lanes to the narrowest corners, from the butter smooth paved roads of DND and NH-8 flyways to the tarmac in the potholes of Kapashera and Gurgaon, Delhi roads have a plethora of experience to offer. Not excluding the fact that 99% of people on the road do not know to drive the right way despite 100% of us knowing the basic traffic rules is another ingredient to this enriching journey.
Whenever I am Delhi, I have to drive! And I set off on trips traversing from Eastern most parts to the Southern most corners most frequently. While mostly I am speeding my way through the heavy traffic trying to reach my destinations as early as possible (without the intervention of teleportation), this time I wasn't my usual self. For my latest journey, I had to meet a couple of friends down in Gurgaon.
Anyone well acquainted with Delhi traffic knows that you leave 2 hours in advance to travel such a distance. I did the same. But something was awfully different this time. I don't know. Instead of putting ear blaring and mind numbing music, I opted for some soft melancholies. And snap, I wasn't pestered by the fact that I will have to drive down through the usual crazy mess. For once, upon noticing the traffic lights turn from green to yellow, I didn't press hard on the accelelator. I wasn't worried about having to wait 90 seconds at each of the lights. Nor did I want to jump any of those...very unlike me...but the sheer thought of abiding by the traffic rules had started making me feel good from inside. When required, I was changing gears with ease, precisely at the speeds prescribed by the manufacturer. I wasn't changing lanes haphazardly, indicating every time I needed to. I wasn't speeding, ensuring that I was well within the permitted speed limits at all times. The thought of people whizzing past me in their rides didn't seem to bother me anymore while on other occasions I would have been game for a race. Upon getting stuck up behind someone, I wasn't honking the horn, patiently waiting for the driver ahead to get a move on. The sights of the traffic signal showing red, yellow and green simultaneously didn't even make me whiff. I wasn't cursing the administration for the whole mess on the roads. I would usually get down in a verbal volley with anyone if they didn't budge out of the way or if they tried to give me lessons on how to drive. This time, all I had were the words "Thank You" and "Sorry" for them. Life on the road seemed a whole lot peaceful. No more stress, no more tension, no more hurry and a lot more enjoyable.
While on my way back late night, I was wondering what had made this difference.
The message in the side view mirror got me thinking - "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear", like it was shedding light in the immense dark around me.
I realized that all this while, it was only up to one factor to decide how I saw things, how I reacted to everything around me,whether I liked it or abhorred it - ME. Anything else was just an excuse. And now as I sit penning down what I had been missing all this while, I'll take another twenty seconds for a few lessons -
1) Never hurry on the roads, there is someone waiting for you to get back home!
2) The difference between 60 kmph and 100 kmph is a few minutes, its just not worth that risk
And I saw the next one on the Noida DND (I smiled as I went past this one)
3) I love Traffic rules!!!
Hope you find your Best Drive Ever soon!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Mirror
You are a sigma of your roots, your traditions, your upbringing, your beliefs and your experiences.
Unsure as I may be, I for one, believe that time carves out multiple "us" - an entire range of persona between two ends of a spectrum. Our traits, our behavior and our lives are always under oscillating in this unique band of ours.
What interests me most are the two extreme ends of this vibgyor! This so called Mirror
Unsure as I may be, I for one, believe that time carves out multiple "us" - an entire range of persona between two ends of a spectrum. Our traits, our behavior and our lives are always under oscillating in this unique band of ours.
What interests me most are the two extreme ends of this vibgyor! This so called Mirror
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Some Important things...
Yes, I know you are busy. In fact, the statement "Life is very demanding" will seem like an understatement to you at this juncture of time. To be truthful, I am also living a very eventful life...too eventful at times...too tiring...so much so that the thin line of difference between fun times and hectic times cease to exist...that things which were adventurous are now metamorphosing into burdensome activities.
What are you slogging it out for?
Why doesn't time agree with you?
When does it ever occur to you that you are not only answerable here but somewhere else too?
Your thoughts, efforts, sweat - for whom are your killing yourself?
Isn't it time your broke these shackles and set yourself free?
Money, success, recognition...is that it?
Are you wondering whether these are your destination, your final resting place? Or is this just the start? Think again.
Eat this:
You are 65. If you are lucky, you would pr0bably be lying on your deathbed and thank god for spitting mercy on you. There's no one next to you. You have dreary eyes with tears in them wishing for your loved ones to be there. And there's only one question -where is everyone who called them yours?
But you are wrong, as equally as you have been for the last 45 years...the question is do you deserve them?
Your brain does a quick re-wind of your entire history...flashes of all the people that could have and should have meant so much more rushing by...only now its too late for the same. There's no redemption, only repent. You yearn for another chance. Just a few moments with your parents - to tell them how much you are grateful to them, for the every li'l sacrifice they made for you, for always putting your need ahead of theirs. Your brother for just being their - through all the thick and thin...and that you are sorry for not being there for him when you should have. To your friends who patiently listened and responded to all your meaningless yapping. To that girl who made you feel worth it...to that love of your life...to your wife, to your children. Everyone!!!
You suddenly gasp for air...you are going to choke on yourself...you don't want to die...you want to live on...you resist..you pray, for once with all your heart, to take you back...to the times when you could have done all these things...Things that are way more important now and ever...
Suddenly, you wake up from this nightmare, or your future to be...
Its not too late.
Have you ever thought about this? Or are you too busy?
Get a life!
What are you slogging it out for?
Why doesn't time agree with you?
When does it ever occur to you that you are not only answerable here but somewhere else too?
Your thoughts, efforts, sweat - for whom are your killing yourself?
Isn't it time your broke these shackles and set yourself free?
Money, success, recognition...is that it?
Are you wondering whether these are your destination, your final resting place? Or is this just the start? Think again.
Eat this:
You are 65. If you are lucky, you would pr0bably be lying on your deathbed and thank god for spitting mercy on you. There's no one next to you. You have dreary eyes with tears in them wishing for your loved ones to be there. And there's only one question -where is everyone who called them yours?
But you are wrong, as equally as you have been for the last 45 years...the question is do you deserve them?
Your brain does a quick re-wind of your entire history...flashes of all the people that could have and should have meant so much more rushing by...only now its too late for the same. There's no redemption, only repent. You yearn for another chance. Just a few moments with your parents - to tell them how much you are grateful to them, for the every li'l sacrifice they made for you, for always putting your need ahead of theirs. Your brother for just being their - through all the thick and thin...and that you are sorry for not being there for him when you should have. To your friends who patiently listened and responded to all your meaningless yapping. To that girl who made you feel worth it...to that love of your life...to your wife, to your children. Everyone!!!
You suddenly gasp for air...you are going to choke on yourself...you don't want to die...you want to live on...you resist..you pray, for once with all your heart, to take you back...to the times when you could have done all these things...Things that are way more important now and ever...
Suddenly, you wake up from this nightmare, or your future to be...
Its not too late.
Have you ever thought about this? Or are you too busy?
Get a life!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
That Strange Feeling!!!
Lub Dub...Lub Dub...weird isn't it?
You must be bamboozled by the way I started this post. But don't worry. Its not weird at all. In fact, any sane spirit is expected to react the very way you did. And no, I haven't lost my mind...at least not yet.
I have spent the last few days traveling...nothing out of the blue for me. 'Was hitting the hills again. There's this thing that I always like about traveling...it gives you loads of time to indulge in past times that you like...some of us like to read, some like to write, some listen to their favorite music. I, like to think. And there's nothing like the cool milieu of the mountains to get your thoughts straight.
Most of the times I have preferred to engage myself in ideas that influence me in my habitual routine - work, science to list a couple of 'em. Primarily, because you can quantify and easily recall what you thought all that while. But for the first time, I decided to venture into something more poignant - more by chance that by choice I presume, thanks to some of the music on my playlist.
Now, romantic music has not been my cup of tea, nor has romance by itself. And so haven't any matters related to heart (I don't intend to mislead you into falsely believing any thoughts that may be surfacing in your mind). I will be candid. I have always been a vicarious learner in this arena. I haven't thought of plausible excuses for the same but I think I am too weak hearted.
Now, I don't know what your concept of 'love' is. Nor am I very clear on what mine is either. I have not read any of the Mills & Boon ever. Yes, I have had crushes. Everyone does. Those phases when you are totally, wholesomely engrossed and immersed in thoughts of that single soul are as equally healing as they are pinching. That oscillation between the crests and troughs of the emotional wave is by far the most excruciating feeling to experience, let alone describing it. Probably, that's why some of the most pristine proses are written during this heightened course. There are thousands of instances to cite - at one end of the spectrum are those ranging from the painful wait to just catch a glimpse of your loved one every evening, that enduring look at the phone to check for messages, the disappointment at the end of the day when you haven't had a word making you feel that this day on this planet was not worthwhile...to the sheer joy and ecstasy you experience when there is that surprise message, the brief exchange of small talk, the skipped heart beat when you do manage to see 'em. Too many of 'em to put across but I am sure that I got my point across.
The only complication that I have envisage in this whole scheme of things is the utter need to express it. Truly said, "when it comes to love words just don't fit in your mouth at the right moment. You always blabber or remain silent when the lady love strikes you".
Wish 'twas easier. Where is telepathy when you need it?
That reminds me of a nice li'l story that I came across on the world wide web few days ago, and it aptly fits the previous dialogue...I don't know who the original author is but my sincerest thanks to him for giving us this following work...here it goes - its called "I wish she was mine"
10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.
Now that your heart is buoyant beyond control, let me hold things back and finish this off on a lighter note, thanks to www again...
"Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you"
The End.
And as Richard LaGravenese so beautifully crafted,
P.S. I love you
You must be bamboozled by the way I started this post. But don't worry. Its not weird at all. In fact, any sane spirit is expected to react the very way you did. And no, I haven't lost my mind...at least not yet.
I have spent the last few days traveling...nothing out of the blue for me. 'Was hitting the hills again. There's this thing that I always like about traveling...it gives you loads of time to indulge in past times that you like...some of us like to read, some like to write, some listen to their favorite music. I, like to think. And there's nothing like the cool milieu of the mountains to get your thoughts straight.
Most of the times I have preferred to engage myself in ideas that influence me in my habitual routine - work, science to list a couple of 'em. Primarily, because you can quantify and easily recall what you thought all that while. But for the first time, I decided to venture into something more poignant - more by chance that by choice I presume, thanks to some of the music on my playlist.
Now, romantic music has not been my cup of tea, nor has romance by itself. And so haven't any matters related to heart (I don't intend to mislead you into falsely believing any thoughts that may be surfacing in your mind). I will be candid. I have always been a vicarious learner in this arena. I haven't thought of plausible excuses for the same but I think I am too weak hearted.
Now, I don't know what your concept of 'love' is. Nor am I very clear on what mine is either. I have not read any of the Mills & Boon ever. Yes, I have had crushes. Everyone does. Those phases when you are totally, wholesomely engrossed and immersed in thoughts of that single soul are as equally healing as they are pinching. That oscillation between the crests and troughs of the emotional wave is by far the most excruciating feeling to experience, let alone describing it. Probably, that's why some of the most pristine proses are written during this heightened course. There are thousands of instances to cite - at one end of the spectrum are those ranging from the painful wait to just catch a glimpse of your loved one every evening, that enduring look at the phone to check for messages, the disappointment at the end of the day when you haven't had a word making you feel that this day on this planet was not worthwhile...to the sheer joy and ecstasy you experience when there is that surprise message, the brief exchange of small talk, the skipped heart beat when you do manage to see 'em. Too many of 'em to put across but I am sure that I got my point across.
The only complication that I have envisage in this whole scheme of things is the utter need to express it. Truly said, "when it comes to love words just don't fit in your mouth at the right moment. You always blabber or remain silent when the lady love strikes you".
Wish 'twas easier. Where is telepathy when you need it?
That reminds me of a nice li'l story that I came across on the world wide web few days ago, and it aptly fits the previous dialogue...I don't know who the original author is but my sincerest thanks to him for giving us this following work...here it goes - its called "I wish she was mine"
10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.
Now that your heart is buoyant beyond control, let me hold things back and finish this off on a lighter note, thanks to www again...
"Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you"
The End.
And as Richard LaGravenese so beautifully crafted,
P.S. I love you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
